How is it possible to see your spouse as household partner and intimate partner?

Before we lived together I was very attracted to my husband. I wanted to sleep with him all the time, I wanted to be with him all the time. Once we moved int together that started to change. It became about sharing household duties, financs, etc. When he slacks on his duties, I feel as though I don't want anything to do with him sexually. I know you shouldn't withhold sex in a marriage because you're angry or disappointed with them, but how do you feel like doing it with them when you're not happy with them? If he kept up his half of the bargain with chores and kids and finances (I keep track of them, he spends), I think I'd find him more attractive.


We've only been married 3 years, living together for 4. How do other people separate those feelings of disappointment you have towards your spouse from the feelings of attraciveness you have towards them?How is it possible to see your spouse as household partner and intimate partner?
It's taken awhile but we are in a good place now. He's doing the laundry at this moment - not because I asked him to, but because he wants to.





We went through hell to get to this point as we were separated due to his infidelity. When we agreed to work things out, he came back with a ';little'; more compassion. But it took a little more refinement.





I broke down the finances on paper and divided by 3 (his son was living with us at the time). They didn't like this at all. But they sat on it for awhile. DH and I worked out something more agreeable about the finances.





Then came the help around the house issue. I simply told him that like the finances, maintaining the household was just too much for one person and that I needed his help. I had tears in my eves because althought I was calm, I was also frustrated. He seemed to ';get'; it about that time and has been helping ever since.How is it possible to see your spouse as household partner and intimate partner?
You shouldn't need to seperate them. You need to sit him down and explain the very points you've just explained in here. He's a guy, and guys love sex. so chances are he will change. Everything should be 50/50 in a relationship. If he's not pulling his weight, then let him know. Guys tend to slack off once they have you in the same house. basically they feel like they've won you now so they can do whatever they want. Let him know this isn't the case.
This is right up my alley. As I am the slacker. I am in recovery of being passive in the household duties and am turning over a new leaf. I think I am going to get alot more intimate contact w/ my wife over it. It's a husband's responsibility to make his wife happy and to put them first. While the wife shouldn't withhold, the husband should try to put his wife's needs ahead of his own. My wife said today that she is hopeful that our marriage is going to work (we are separated now). I can safely say that I get more positive feeback when I help out. As far as your question goes, it's pretty hard as sex starts ';in the kitchen';.
Maybe he ';slacks on his duties'; because he feels that no matter what he does, you'll be disappointed in him anyways('cause you'll be thinking of the times he ';slacked'; even when he is ';behaving'; like a good little boy). Come on, do you honestly think you are the perfect one in this marriage? Haven't you ever let your hubby down in some way? Get over it. I'm sure he picks up the ';slack'; in other areas when he ';slacks'; on something else.
Male or female... we all have different sexual desires, more often than not, they are not the same as our partner. Interesting enough... it takes about 4 years and the sex declines about 50% and about 20% every year after, more for women than men.
oh my goodness, start by getting over being mad at him when he ';slacks'; on his duties; marriage is not a 50/50 deal; sometimes it's 110 / 40; sometimes 40 / 60...sometimes 100 / 100 .....





Is it really worth it to get mad because he didn't take the trash our or do the dishes or whatever ';duties'; you have assigned to him.......
GREAT QUESTION. I will be watching for answers too, I have the same issue gping on and I though it was just me. I find it hard to be attracted to someone you've come to regard as lazy or as unappreciative..
Anytime you relate having intimacy issues tied to household chores there is something else wrong here. I think you are looking at having sex as a duty not the act of making love. You need to separate the two things. You need to have some frank discussions with him about helping with the responsibilities and set some ground rules and don't let things get out of hand for so long that it starts to build resentment. As far as the intimacy issues, get some romance going again. Talk to him about the way you two were while dating. Remind him of some of the things you miss that he did back then. If you can get the spark going again it can help him realize how helping you around the house can give you two more time to increase your passionate time together.
You probably could solve this problem between the two of you, tell him how you feel, and that you would like to make your marriage better. Let him know that when you get help you have so much more energy ';just for him';.
Honestly, you can't separate the feelings...





My rational is that you are drained...emotionally and physically...





I think that the emotional stresses or having to be physically worn out are what is keeping you from bonding with your husband to the point that you feel like being intimate...





I firmly believe in marriage counseling because men and women have got to learn how to communicate...





My husband and I went thought the same thing...what my husband had to learn about our relationship is that we have got to communicate...and he has had to learn to put himself into my world...and learn to meet the needs that I have and not the ones that he thinks I need...





So, I would suggest some type of mediation so that you all are able to communicate the needs that you have...





When your needs are met emotionally, it makes a world of difference...
Once again I think you need to voice your concerns and if he isn't receptive give him an ultimatum. Let him know how much his habits (laziness) bothers you and why.


If he still doesn't get it or seems to not care than you have a serious decision to make unless you want to be in an unhappy marriage.


Best of luck
Your life partner is both things; as are you.





Sex is wonderful. But life is...reality, too.





Deal with the fact that you must find a balance between the two.





We've been married for almost 37 years, my dear.





Don't focus so much on your ';expectations.';





We are all human. We have things in life we must do.





And then, there are the things we most love to do.





Find your balance.
Read the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. I think you can find some beneficial information in there.





Good luck!
You cant. It all runs together as what you think of him as a man. If he is taking care of his part, then u feel he is responsible. If he is slacking, u think of him as the opposite. Psychologically, women pick men who will be good providers. Its programmed into our brains. We look at physique (protection), we look at interaction with children (being a father) and we look at responsibility (being a provider).


Its when and area is being neglected, that it ruins the entire package.


I think its time for a heart to heart.


He needs to know how we think.


Maybe if he knows he is disappointing you by neglecting his responsibility, then he will attempt to make a change and get things packaged back up....so to speak..lol


Hope it all works out.....Good luck.
';When he slacks on his duties, I feel as though I don't want anything to do with him sexually.';





You got it twisted. Stop being a control freak.





I am glad I am my wife's lover. And not her ';honey do'; boy.
Tell him everything that is bothering you and that you would like to work on it. I've been where you are, it is very hard to be attracted to someone that your angry with or doesnt appreciate the things you do for him or your end of the bargain. Nothing wrong with it. Just use direct communication and let him know that you don't want to be stuck doing everything, and give him a sweet hint that once everything simmers down, you'll have more energy to put forth towards your sex life.
It is a give and take. I have learned with my husband not to expect to much. He does take care of all the finances. He does do some household chores. I dont push the issues. I slack once in awhile to show him what it would look like. then he gets off his butt and pitches in. He is also always there for the kids. sports and musicals and anything related to school. So you need to get past what he does not do. And talk to him if you really thinks he is spending to much. Or not spending enough time with the kids. Good Luck.
Well...see that's the problem with 50-50 marriages. You become too much alike. There is no difference in the man and the woman. The roles are the same. How BORING. Romance is in the difference in the masculine and the feminine. OPPOSITES attract. If I was you, I would try living in traditional marital roles. Read ';The Surrendered Wife'; or ';Fascinating Womanhood';. If you are a Christian, read, ';The Politically Incorrect Wife';, or if you really want to put a charge in it, check out the website Christian Domestic Discipline at www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com. Good luck, sweetie.